


pull me through

by artsyleo



Series: comfortember 2020 [21]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Mitchell Loves Callum "Halfway" Highway, Body Dysphoria, Body Image, Boys In Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Self-Doubt, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:53:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27661631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: comfortember prompt day 21 - hugstrans callum and his dysphoria, and ben being the softest bf to ever
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: comfortember 2020 [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1995826
Comments: 7
Kudos: 42





	pull me through

**Author's Note:**

> tw for dysphoria and references to internalised transphobia

The feeling of looking in the mirror and seeing someone else is one that’s all too familiar to Callum. It’s something that he’s known since he was a teenager, first starting to be a  _ young woman _ or a  _ pretty young lady _ and feeling for the first time the way those words made a fist squeeze around his heart. He hadn’t recognised it for so long- all too familiar with those talks about body image, and how it was important to know that  _ you’re beautiful the way you are _ , and all that crap that the school seemed to think would make a jot of difference. It probably did to someone, but when you’ve got a scared kid with no clue who they are, already terrified of trying to discover it, sitting there, those words are more harmful than they used to realise. Of course, that was back when the extent of sex ed was  _ a special bond between a man and a woman _ , and slurs were thrown about like candy in the secondary school playground. 

Then when he did recognise it, there was still the years of denial, of hating himself so much for it, of feeling nothing but downright  _ wrong _ after that. The hiding himself away, the feeling like he could never be who he was. The years of uphill fight for every little thing until he realised he was more than all of that- until he realised that he didn’t have to fight any more, he didn’t have to put up with people that didn’t  _ see him _ . It was easier said than done, obviously, and that wasn’t the end of any of his troubles but it was the start of something new for him, the start of a new life for him- one where he finally had a shot at being himself. 

That’s not to say that he doesn’t struggle any more, though. That feeling, that all too familiar feeling of seeing a stranger’s face in the mirror still haunts him some days, as much as he hates to admit it. 

Today- it’s just one of those days. 

He doesn’t feel it until he’s just getting out of bed and stumbling over to the bathroom. He catches his own eye in the mirror as he moves to wash his hands, and it just  _ hits him _ . 

His hair is messed up from sleep and longer than he likes it, since he hasn’t really had a chance to get around to getting it cut yet. There’s hair growing in around the base of his jaw but  _ all too slowly _ , since he shaved on monday and it’s thursday now, and it’s still almost nothing but a shadow. He regrets shaving now, even though the action alone makes him feel better. He doesn’t actually want a beard either, so it’s pretty much nonsensical that it bothers him this much, but right now he’d put up with a beard if only to make it slightly less painful to look at himself. 

The t-shirt he’s wearing is just a little too tight around his chest and he pulls it away instinctually, even though it does very little because it’s still  _ there _ , and there’s nothing he can do right now to change that. He’s been on the waiting list for top surgery for the past two years, and he just doesn’t have the money to go private right now, and the year long wait on top of that that’s been proposed just makes him feel nauseous. 

He leans forward onto the sink and pulls his eyes away, tears already building in the back of them. His breaths shake as they creep into his chest, curling somewhere deep inside of him before they rattle back out, echoing through the bathroom and out into the morning quiet of the flat, since the bathroom door is still open. 

He distantly hears the sound of his and Ben’s bedroom door swinging open, and an over-exaggerated yawn from Ben. 

“Babe,” Ben calls, not yet catching sight of Callum in the bathroom, instead turning to the kitchen. “You want tea or…” 

He trails off, and Callum doesn’t dare move, isn’t sure if he has the energy or the willpower for it. 

“Cal?” he calls, worry already clear in his tone as he treads carefully across the flat. “What’s going on, are you okay?” 

Callum nods a little, even though it’s probably the least convincing thing he could do- he couldn’t fool anybody like this. A soft hand curls around the top of his arm, sweeping across the still sleep-warm skin there. 

“Look at me,” he says gently, a request rather than a demand. Callum does it anyway, somewhat because he can’t be bothered to hide it anymore, the prospect of comfort too much to turn down. 

“Hey, hey, what’s the matter?” Ben says, eyebrows turning in when he sees Callum’s face, and the tear tracks that are surely already there. 

“Just, uh- dysphoria,” Callum says carefully, unsure if Ben’s connected up his implant yet. He’s gotten better at being open, talking about all of this and that’s something that he can’t help but be a little proud of, because he knows it’s always been difficult for him. It’s a little thing, but it’s a step in the right direction. 

Ben’s face changes just slightly, his head tilting to the side and his eyes softening. 

“Oh, baby,” he says, before he pulls Callum in, wraps his arms around his shoulders, pulling him back together with gentle pressure. “I’m so sorry, handsome. Is there anything I can do?” 

Callum shrugs in his embrace, and flinches at the way he can  _ feel  _ his chest pressing up against Ben’s. He pulls away, missing the contact immediately but relieved at the way he’s a little less aware now, even if he knows it’s still there. 

“I don’t think so. Just one of those days, yeah?” Callum laughs, but there’s no humour in it. He turns his face away a little only to catch himself in the mirror again, another shot going through him when he sees the person staring back at him. “God I just- I just, I hate it. Can’t even look in the mirror without feeling like shit. I’m so fucking tired of this.” 

Ben doesn’t say anything for a minute, so he tacks a little  _ sorry  _ onto the end of his sentence. 

“Hey, don’t apologise for needing to get it out. I get it,” Ben says, his voice all gentle and calm, like a balm to Callum’s worn edges. “Please, though. I don’t want you to take it out on yourself.” 

Callum sighs, because Ben knows him all too well. 

“You want me to go and get you a hoodie?” Ben says, and Callum just nods- he knows him  _ so well.  _

“Alright, go and sit yourself down, I’ll bring it to you,” he says, and then waits until Callum starts to move, a hand over the side of Callum’s face that’s nearest the mirror, blocking his sight so that maybe he’ll stop tormenting himself. After Callum’s moved himself Ben pulls the door closed behind him, then turns back to their bedroom to grab a hoodie from one of their drawers. 

Callum lowers himself to the sofa, leaning into the cushions scattered across it and waits until Ben’s stood in front of him, holding out one of his hoodies. It’s one of his favourites because it’s massive on him, and it’s dark red so it reminds him of Ben’s own clothes. He takes it from Ben and signs a small  _ thank you _ , and Ben smiles back at him. 

“You want me to make you a hot chocolate?” Ben says, and he knows that there’s another question hidden in there, one that Callum’s so grateful he asks. Without saying it, Ben’s asking if he wants him to turn away, even though he’s seen Callum’s chest before. It means the world to him that he still asks every time, and the gentleness in it makes him blush. 

“Yes please,” he replies, and Ben cups his jaw with a gentle hand, before turning back to the kitchen and flicking the kettle on. 

Callum changes quickly, stripping off his shirt and throwing his hoodie over him instead, already sinking into the softness of the fabric. He folds up the t-shirt and lays it on the arm of the sofa, then watches Ben as he brings two mugs over to the coffee table.

“Better?” he says, and Callum nods. 

“Much,” Callum replies, and leans back into the sofa until there’s a familiar tightness in his back, a pain that makes him wince. 

“You okay?” Ben says instantly, recognising even the slightest change in his expression. Callum just sighs, because he knows exactly what this pain means, and exactly what Ben’s opinions tend to be on it. He knows it’s binding pain, since he’s been wearing his binder for longer than he should have been for the last couple of days. 

“Just- hurts,” Callum says, and recognition crosses Ben’s face. 

“Cal-” 

“I know, alright, I know I should’ve taken it off sooner. Can we just leave it for now?” Callum replies, and Ben sighs a little.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry. But if you need anything, painkillers or anything, just tell me okay?” Ben says, his hand coming back up to rest on Callum’s jaw again. “And please, take a break if you can. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

Callum nods, then curls into Ben, his head coming to rest on the other man’s shoulder and a hand slipping into his on Ben’s lap. 

“I love you, handsome, always,” Ben says quietly, and the words make warmth burn through Ben’s veins, and maybe he starts to feel just a little bit more like himself right in that moment. 

**Author's Note:**

> okay this is like basically a vent fic gone soft bc im dysphoric and i adore writing these stupid boys in love  
> anyways i hope u enjoyed this heh, comments and kudos mean the world to me, lots of love to you all  
> leo x (im on tumblr @artsy-highway)


End file.
